California Becomes the First State to Issue ID Cards for Dogs — Because Apparently, Barking “Who Are You?” Isn’t Enough
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — In what might be the most Californian law since banning plastic straws but not Teslas that explode, state lawmakers have officially passed legislation requiring all dogs to carry identification cards.
The law was introduced after “an alarming rise in unregistered dogs allegedly sneaking across borders and swimming the Pacific,” according to the Governor’s office. Officials claim the state has been “overrun by undocumented canines” who are, quote, “biting the system.”
A new Canine Police Task Force (CPTF) has been formed to deal with the crisis. Their mission: sniff out illegal dogs and check their papers. Literally.
“From now on, all dog owners will be required to present valid ID for their pets when stopped by our canine officers,” said Charlie Chaplin, a spokesman for the Governor’s office (no relation to that Charlie Chaplin, though the situation feels like one of his comedies). “We’ve set up checkpoints along the coastline to intercept dogs attempting to swim in from Asia. We’re not kidding—there are reports of Labradors doing the backstroke near Long Beach.”
Chaplin, proudly holding up a “statistical chart” drawn in crayon, explained that dog IDs will be processed at DMV booths next to where humans renew their driver’s licenses. The canine cards feature a headshot, paw print, and — in some cases — a holographic bone for authenticity.
“It’s revolutionary,” Chaplin said. “Finally, we can identify which dog belongs to which human, and which ones are here on expired K-9 visas.”
According to early reports, over 2,000 undocumented dogs have already been apprehended, many allegedly working undercover as service animals or emotional support pets for influencers. Authorities warn that these dogs “often don’t speak English” and may carry foreign fleas “twice the size of California’s native fleas.”
Critics of the law have called it “ridiculous” and “literally barking mad,” while supporters say it’s “a small price to pay for canine security.”
Meanwhile, Los Angeles pet owners have been spotted lining up outside DMV offices, clutching leashes and whispering nervously about the upcoming “bark test.”
⚠️ This highly acclaimed article is satire.
