NASHVILLE, TN — In a move that has both historians and janitors deeply confused, President Joe Biden reportedly leaned in and took a long, contemplative sniff of a Confederate statue during a campaign stop in Tennessee this week.
Witnesses say the president appeared entranced as he approached the statue of Confederate general Nathan Bedford Forrest, gently placing a hand on the cold bronze shoulder before taking what one bystander described as “a deep, soulful inhale — like he was trying to smell 1863.”
“I just saw someone standing there and thought I’d come up behind and take a sniff,” Biden later explained to reporters. “Didn’t realize it was a statue. Or a Confederate. Either way, it had that classic marble-and-regret aroma.”
When pressed on the optics, Biden brushed off criticism. “Look, folks — we’ve got too much division. We need multiplication. Maybe even a little subtraction. Depends on the math. I think I saw a goat laughing at me.”
Activists, however, were less amused. “The Confederacy represents racism and slavery,” said one protester. “It’s like Biden was trying to find out what oppression smells like.”
Despite the backlash, White House aides assured the public that the president remains firmly against Confederate monuments — except, perhaps, the “really attractive ones.”
“He believes all statues should come down,” said one staffer, “but if a few want to stay up and model for the Smithsonian’s Fall of Democracy exhibit, he’s open to negotiation.”
In an attempt to quell the controversy, Biden later issued a statement clarifying that he does not “condone Confederate ideology” and only sniffs “for diplomacy.”
Meanwhile, the statue of Nathan Bedford Forrest has reportedly filed for a restraining order and a deep cleaning.
⚠️ This highly acclaimed article is satire.
